Allowing Your Bliss

 The weather is inspiring me today. It's taking me back in time to 2005.

Even in the house, it feels crisp. The leaves are still green but the sky is that certain blue that tells me fall is coming as we hang on to the last of the summer sun. Still recovering from those last reckless sunburns of the season, there's nothing that transports me as quickly as a cool breezy day. I am an entirely different person now. I sit in my leafy green office sipping a cup of chai tea, procrastinating as I fondly remember the rush of school supplies and making my bed at the dorm for the first time.

I remember sitting under the tree in front of Powell and humming solfege while quietly admiring boys in the quad. I remember those evening games of ultimate frisbee and the alluring mystery of being a doe-eyed freshman. I remember listening to Parachutes on my CD player and the sunlight seemed golden, life seemed wonderfully melancholy in those brief moments alone listening to music.I remember the desperation in wanting to be something and trying to figure out who I was. 

I think it's true that most people don't appreciate what they have until it's over.

High school -- I remember it more fondly now that it's over, but I'd never want to go through it again. College -- I would do it over in a heartbeat. Even if I had to make all the same stupid mistakes. Even if I had to go through all the same struggles to find my way here.

I would love to relive those cool nights, busting out the AC sweaters and sneaking beer into the football game. I would give so much to go back to New York and run around with my head cut off again. It would be fantastic to wake up at 8am and walk to philosophy and argue the piss out of a misogynist and future lawyer. I would embrace those moments where I came off looking like a complete loon, letting it all hang out and having a great time doing it.

I don't think that feeling is completely gone, and as the weather has become a bit more mild these past few days, I feel like I'm coming back into myself. So maybe I'm in a grown up relationship with bills to pay. But that doesn't mean that the college freshman in me has to die. I can't wait for the season to blossom into a bustle of rustic colors. There is nothing better than a pair of suede boots, a chunky scarf and some apple cider.

Sometimes, I think feeling blissful has less to do with "following your bliss" and more to do with the ability to stop holding yourself back.